My heart is heavy. But what I'm learning is that when you have small children, and you want to curl up into a ball and stay in bed all day, you can't. Because they have to eat. And they need help going to the bathroom. Or getting a snack...finding a lovey. Jack and Hannah kept me busy this past weekend, and then, of course, there's work. But when they went down for the night, I only wanted to watch TV or go to sleep. I haven't wanted to write.
Tonight, it is time.
*****
Last Thursday, I planned a dinner party for Brad's family. Grandma and Grandpa were going out of town on Friday, and they wanted a chance to spend time with the kids before they left. Originally, I was just going to make dinner, but then in planning the evening, my tendency to try to make things better got the best of me. Especially when I found those adorable mini-pumpkins at the grocery store. I nearly squealed with delight...seriously.
I'd planned a meatloaf dinner - meatloaf, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, and dinner rolls. A perfect fall meal. I told Jack we were having a "Happy Fall Y'all" dinner party - he was excited:) Grandma and Grandpa arrived and were playing with the kids as I got dinner going. I set the table, and I was so happy with the way it turned out, that I grabbed my camera and took a few quick shots. I planned to bring out my tripod for a family photo after dinner...
But while I was boiling water for my sweet tea, the phone rang. And in that instant, the atmosphere in the room changed. I could tell from Grandma's voice and the way she was talking to Aunt Jessica on the phone that something was wrong. Jessica called to tell us that earlier that day, Jimmy, her fiance, found out he had cancer. She shared what she knew at the time - they would meet for a surgical consultation on Friday and surgery was scheduled for Monday. They were coming to dinner - they wanted to get out and be with family.
We sat there, quiet and shocked. Devastated for Jessica and Jimmy who are five months away from being married. There was so much unknown...
In an instant...everything we thought we knew, was different. From the way our evening would play out to the way Grandma and Grandpa were no longer going out of town to the way Jimmy and Jessica would start their married lives. Words like surgery consultation, x-rays, CT Scans, chemo, and radiation - these suddenly became the norm.
While it was obviously hard to focus on finishing dinner and hosting a party of eight people, it was so good to be with Jessica and Jimmy on that night. Surrounded by family...laughing because Jack misunderstood and thought we were eating "buffaloaf".
On Friday, Jessica and Jimmy met for their surgical consultation. Jimmy had a chest x-ray and a CT scan on Monday. On Tuesday, he had surgery. We know that the surgery went as well as it could have gone. The doctors believe that they got everything. We will not know until next Friday whether he will have to undergo chemo and/or radiation. And while we are so grateful and happy that the x-ray and the CT scan and the surgery all went unbelievably well, it is still such a hard thing to wrap your brain around.
Bad things happen to really good people. I know this. That doesn't make it fair or easier to deal with. It certainly doesn't make it easier to be strong for Jimmy and Jessica. But we are trying our best. We want them to feel loved and supported. We want them to know it will all be okay.
*****
In the midst of our crazy, sad, painfully slow weekend, I also learned these two things:
*my best friend's son had a seizure on Sunday night and is now seeing a neurologist and has to have EEGs and MRIs to make sure everything is okay. He'll probably have to take medication for a long time to prevent such seizures from occurring again. He is three and the sweetest, most lovable little boy you can imagine.
*that one of the mommy bloggers I follow - her best friend lost her husband unexpectedly in a tragic car accident. After struggling with two years of infertility, they finally had a daughter. Their daughter is now 10 months old. They had just moved to be closer to family.
Life isn't fair. Bad things happen to really good people.
All of these things - they bring a new perspective to life. They make you cling to the things that matter most. They make things like stressing over the Spider-man toys that are somehow in the Batman basket seem so much more insignificant. Who cares if the dishes go undone? Does it matter if the laundry doesn't get folded? None of that matters. Even though these are the things that bring stress on a daily basis, they shouldn't. Because I have the ones I love. I have a roof over my head and a family that I love. We are healthy.
I feel like this is such an important lesson, and it's horrible that it has to come at the expense of someone else's pain. The thing is, I don't know how to keep from forgetting the lesson...because the truth is, I know that life is precious. That days aren't promised and you never know what might happen. I've been reading mommy blogs for several years now, and in that time, I've come across stories that I'll never forget. I think daily about people I've never met but that have literally changed my life and the way that I see things.
I think about the Marshalls and their son, Cohen - a little boy that was born with congenital heart defects and didn't make it to two weeks old.
I think about Katie and her baby girl, Reese. This tiny, beautiful girl lived for only a couple of days, but her story has taught me grace.
I think about Jack - a twelve year old boy who drowned in a tragic accident one afternoon when he went out to play in the puddles.
I think about these families a lot. I try to imagine what it must be like for them, and I can't. It is a pain no person should have to endure, and yet these things happen. I try to honor their family members by living my life to the fullest, by cherishing my children. By realizing that my everyday struggles are really not struggles at all. These women's stories have made me a better mother - they make me cherish the little, everyday things that happen. I know to memorize my children's faces...to take their pictures constantly. To capture them on video. To stop cleaning and get on the floor and play. To put down the laundry and get out and go to the park.
And yet...when something happens so close to us - when Aunt Jess discovers her fiance has cancer - my world is shaken. Because once again, you realize how precious life is. How nothing is promised. How all we have is the here and now.
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