Johnny

Three days before Jack's birthday, I learned that my cousin Johnny died tragically at the young age of 42.

I came out of an appointment to see that I had three missed calls from my dad, and a text message from my brother-in-law that said it all.  "What happened?  Cousin Johnny?"

I knew.

My parents weren't answering the phone, and I called John to ask what was going on - he thought I already knew.  I felt sucker-punched.

I sat in my car and cried my eyes out for 45 minutes.  I called my Aunt Kathy and listened to her sob on the phone and said the only thing you can say - I am so, so sorry.  I wondered how it's possible for our family to go through so much and all at one time.

This felt like too much.  We cannot do this.  This cannot be happening.  Please, please, this cannot be happening.  We cannot handle this.

But we are - there is no other choice.

Six months ago, I sat next to my cousin Johnny at our cousin J.J's funeral.  We were both uncomfortable.  We chatted about how we'd want to have things done at our funerals.  We said things like please, help them find the best picture of me you've ever seen.  Please, don't let me be in the room.  No casket, no body.  Just beautiful flowers, a beautiful picture, music we loved.

And today, six months later, I will attend Johnny's service, and there will surely be beautiful flowers, a beautiful picture, and music he loved.  There will be ashes.  We didn't talk about ashes, so I don't know his thoughts on that, but I'm sure my Aunt Kathy did.

Today is such a sad, heart-breaking day.  My Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jack have lost their only son.  My cousin Shelly has lost her brother and her best friend.  And then there's all of us.  We all have a Johnny-shaped hole in our hearts.

{Shelly's husband, Ron, and my cousin Johnny - Summer 2007}

Johnny was a gentle soul.  He loved his dogs, he loved to read, he loved to camp - to sleep under the stars.  Maybe he was lonely or maybe he just liked the calm and quiet.  He certainly had inner demons like the rest of us, but he was oh so loved. And just like that, he's gone.

Johnny - I am so sad that you are gone.  I hope that you have found peace.  Maybe you found Grandpa and Ben.  I hope so.  I love you and I'll remember you always.  And to my Aunt Kathy, Uncle Jack, and Shelly - I love you all, and I hope that the memories you have of Johnny will bring you peace and comfort in the days and months ahead.