We've settled into being at home, and yesterday we even managed to get Jack to school (more on that emotional fiasco later) and Hannah to her first doctor's appointment successfully. I have to say, I feel so much more relaxed this time around. It's funny how with your first baby you think the newborn stage is so hard and overwhelming, but then you have a three year old and a newborn, and you realize the newborn is the easy part. She can only do three things - eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, and Hannah does all of those things very well. She's such a great baby! She rarely makes a peep right now, and we're lucky - she's nursing like a champ and today at her appointment they confirmed that her weight has gone up since leaving the hospital. What a proud mama am I!
Jack is still reacting much better than I expected him to, but it's still so hard. Maybe it seems especially hard because my hormones are crazy right now, and I can cry about anything at the drop of a hat (back to that emotional school fiasco - I promise I will come back to the story), but I think he does have some mixed feelings about our newest family member. I know it's normal, and I know that one day he won't remember all of this, but I hate that we've made him feel however he's feeling. Confused mostly, I think. He desperately wants to play with her. He's tried Spiderman and trains, and so far she hasn't taken him up on either. He loves to give her kisses and hugs. He does not love when I am busy with her when I normally would have been doing something with him. He doesn't always think that she loves him because she can't say it. Other times he seems sure she does. Last night he told me that he wants her to stay in my belly. I said, "I thought you wanted Hannah to come out?" He replied, "Nope." After tucking him in successfully without crying, I came into our room and cried my eyes out while Brad assured me that this too shall pass and reminded me of all the reasons we wanted Jack to have a sibling in the first place. Which I know, but I just hate to see him sad or confused or however it is that he is apparently feeling.
Quickly, because baby is stirring, I will sum up the emotional school fiasco. Basically, Jack has had a hard time going to school since I've been off for the summer. I decided he would go Tuesdays and Thursdays so that we would still have three days a week to be together, just me and him, before the baby came. Maybe because of the impending changes or maybe because Tuesday/Thursday aren't consecutive days like a work-week, Jack has been miserable almost every time I've dropped him off. His lip quivers, he cries, and I try to leave as fast as I can so as not to cry and make it worse. It's horrible, and I hate it. One day a couple of weeks ago, he started to cry when I pulled into the parking lot, and I just couldn't take it. My heart broke right there, and I made a big no-no. I turned around and we had another special stay-at-home-with-mommy-day. It was great fun, and we both felt better, but I set a horrible precedent that made the next Tuesday feel like the most horrible thing I could ever do.
So yesterday, when I announced I was going to get ready so that I could take him to school, the waterworks immediately began and I was waffling. After seeking reinforcements from Daddy, it was decided Jack had to go to school. I explained to him that he had to go just like Mommy has to go to work and that that's how he learns new things. That part went better than I expected and I was proud of myself for being firm. So I get my two little munchkins into the car and we're off, and we get about halfway there when Jack begins to cry. He put on his brave face, and so did I, but drop off was a struggle. He was crying very hard when I had to leave, and I went straight into the director's office and proceeded to cry my eyes out to her - which I'm sure threw her for a loop. Here I am, four days postpartum, no makeup on (I never leave the house without some kind of makeup on, but I seem to be getting over that feeling), crying in her office. I explained that Tuesday/Thursday is not working for Jack, and that I think he needs a consecutive schedule to clarify schools days and home days. Next week, he'll be going three days a week. Which makes me sad because it's not like I don't want him to be home with me...I really do. Part of me was hoping that Brad would say, "Let's just keep him home with you until you go back to work," when I sought him out for reinforcements, but he didn't. And he's right. That wouldn't be best for Jack either. So three days it must be so that he can feel like he has a more normal schedule and a more structured routine that he can expect. It's what works best for our little man. That is the end of my emotional school fiasco story.
And now, it's time for me to go love on and snuggle our little Hannah Bear. Her chipmunk cheeks are simply irresistible. (And as I type that, she gives me a little smile in her sleep - I am in love. Head over heels in love.)
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